April 2008 Issue: "One More Chance to Talk"

The O. J. Simpson trial and its aftermath may seem like ancient history to some of you. It doesn’t to me. Perhaps that is because it made such a powerful statement about bias in this country and, still more so, about how reluctant we are to talk about delicate diversity issues.

While working on the revised edition of my book Making Diversity Work ,I struggled to find an event that served as a better catalyst than the so-called “Trial of the Century” for dialoguing about race and diversity. The war in Iraq? No. Struggles to draft new immigration legislation? No. Don Imus’s “nappy-headed hos” comment? No. Even the inequities revealed in the wake of Hurricane Katrina somehow didn’t quite touch the degree to which O. J. Simpson rallied our emotions.

The problem back in 1994 was that, if we did the conversation at all, we mostly did it wrong. Rife with tension and conflict, defensiveness and accusation, that dark chance to dialogue about race was squandered. Fortunately, finally, we now have another chance – the candidacy of a bi-racial man for the Democratic nomination for President of the United States.

This time, let’s do it right.

Do As I Say, Not What You See:

I believe that one reason we are having so much difficulty doing “it right” is that we are inundated with images of how not to have that conversation. For example, the campaigns and the media that publicize them perpetually jump to conclusions about the concealed meaning of the opponent’s words or actions. From the assumed hidden significance behind Obama’s empty lapel (no American flag pin) to the assumptions about what Geraldine Ferraro “really” meant about the role of race in Obama’s success, the mind-reading powers of some of our pundits is truly amazing. (In fact, their skill might just form the foundation of a new reality show -- perhaps “Psychic Pundits” should join “Psychic Detectives” on the airwaves.)

Fortunately for us, there is a better way.

A Better Way:

1. Agree on a shared goal. That goal need not be particularly ambitious. For example, agreeing on the goal of understanding just one element of the other person’s point of view can serve as a valuable first step to mutual understanding and, most important, as a foundation for future, more ambitious, conversations.

2. Expect the conversation to work. In Making Diversity Work , I talk about how human beings tend to see what we expect to see. If, for example, we have an inflexible belief (a bias) about what a particular group feels, we are apt to see evidence of that feeling in every word, not because it is necessarily there, but because we expect it to be there. The same principle applies to difficult conversations: If we expect the exchange to go wrong, that expectation will highlight in our view every (alleged) tense look, every (alleged) disagreeable word, and every (alleged) opposing attitude. In the meantime, what is really going on - the natural ebb and flow of a rich conversation – will be missed.

3. Ask rather than assume. In other words, resist the urge to jump to conclusions about a person’s motivations or intent. Short of the most obvious racial slurs or derisive comments, it is impossible to guess what is going on inside a person’s mind or heart. Ask, you might be surprised at what you hear.

4. Admit your errors, your foibles, your confusion: It is rare in the world of politics to see someone actually admit they have made a mistake. In the workplace and in our efforts to have productive dialogue about diversity, we cannot afford that luxury. If, in the course of the conversation, you have said something inappropriate – admit it. If you find yourself feeling defensive, admit it. If you are struggling to understand the other person’s perspective, admit it.

Courageous Conversations:

Last spring, my husband and I had a quote artfully written above our new kitchen stove. It reads: “Courage is the willingness to act in the presence of fear.” (No it has nothing to do with a cooking phobia.) We put it there to remind us and our grandchildren of the importance of moving forward even when we are afraid. That emotion might, in Aiden and Eva and Maia’s case, be as simple as fear over attending the first day at a new school. For us, it might be the larger terror of what will happen if we employ the conversational strategies listed here. We need courage to set goals that we may or may not achieve, courage to face the conversation with optimism, courage to probe for accuracy rather than just jump to easy conclusions and, of course, courage to admit our own foibles. Do you have that courage?

Sondra Thiederman is a speaker and author on bias-reduction, diversity, and cross-cultural issues. She is the author of Making Diversity Work: Seven Steps for Reducing Bias in the Workplace (New York: Kaplan Publishing, revised 2nd edition,2008) which is available at her web site or at www.Amazon.com. She can be contacted at:
Sondra Thiederman, Ph.D.
Cross-Cultural Communications
4585 48th Street
San Diego, CA 92115
Phones: 619-583-4478 / 800-858-4478
Fax: 619-583-0304
www.Thiederman.com / STPhD@Thiederman.com

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