“Acknowledging Differences: The First Step Toward Understanding”

When conducting diversity training, one question comes up over and over and every time it is asked, I am glad. That question is usually phrased something like this: “When is it ok to ask someone else about their culture or background? Often I am curious, but don’t want people to think that I’m nosy or putting them down in some way?” The reason that I am pleased to hear this question is that it gives me a chance to emphasize one of the most fundamental, and easy, ways in which we can all contribute to making diversity work: Ask.

Asking about differences is fine. In fact, it is an excellent way, not only to learn about the diversity around you, but to communicate respect for others. All-too-often emphasis is put on learning specific information about cultures -- values, etiquette, body language. Yes, those things are important, but more important is to grasp the fundamental skill of asking about differences so that you can find that information for yourself. After all, few of us are anthropologists, we can’t possibly learn all there is to know about every culture. Learning when and how to ask questions is an ideal way to fill in that gap.

The trick is to ask your questions in the right way and at the right time. Here are three important things to watch out for.

1. Use respectful wording.
If you want, for example, to learn what someone’s ethnicity or national origin is, don’t say, “What are you?” Better options would be to say something like, “What is your background?” or “Where were you born?” Even to say “Where are you from?” could create embarrassment as the person might have an accent, but have lived most of their life in New York. Their innocent reply, “New York” would then put you in the awkward position of having to clarify your question.

2. Do not ask about a person’s background immediately after he or she has made an error in the workplace.
Saving face is, for example, a central value in most Asian cultures. For this reason, a criticism of a workplace error can be more painful than it is to those for whom saving face is less important. To inquire about a cultural difference of an Asian-born employee after pointing out an error is not only insensitive, but apt to create the impression that your question is a criticism of the culture rather than a simple desire to get to know the employee better.

3. When you ask about another person’s background, explain why you are interested and avoid a patronizing tone.
Unfortunately, some people have had bad experiences in which they have been asked about their backgrounds, not because the questioner was truly interested, but merely out of a patronizing curiosity. Make it clear that you want to get to know them better and that you are truly interested in and respectful of different cultures and different life experiences. If you are sincere, your inquiry will be welcome and the question itself will serve to strengthen your relationship.

Sondra Thiederman is a speaker and author on diversity, bias-reduction, and cross-cultural issues. She is the author of Making Diversity Work: Seven Steps for Defeating Bias in the Workplace (Chicago: Dearborn Press, 2003) which is available at her web site or at www.Amazon.com.
She can be contacted at:

Sondra Thiederman, Ph.D.
Cross-Cultural Communications
4585 48th Street
San Diego, CA 92115
Phones: 619-583-4478 / 800-858-4478
Fax: 619-583-0304
www.Thiederman.com / STPhD@Thiederman.com

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